woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
