ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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