Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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