my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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