Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
