Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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