my phone needs a breathalizer
i think my mom watched the whole time
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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