half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
