seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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