oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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