whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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