I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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