Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
