I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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