Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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