Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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