After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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