Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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