So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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