Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
