Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed