Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
