Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.