I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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