We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
