Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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