I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
