im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
