if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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