I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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