Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
