I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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