I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
