Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
