This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
