the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
