fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
