i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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