true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
