I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
