Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
