my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The best revenge is premature balding
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
