If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
