So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
