im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
