we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just found a bag of teeth...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
