wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
