I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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