just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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