I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize