3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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