You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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