K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
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