I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
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