Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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