you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
