I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
