i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
