If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
