You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
