I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
