Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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