I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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